Making Sense of Chronic Illness
Writing has always helped me to make sense of things. Seeing my thoughts form as words on a screen or a piece of paper is a process that rarely fails to give me clarity. It also seems to give me a sense of purpose. When I write, even if it’s just for me, I experience the sensation that my words might help someone. That by memorializing my experience there’s the potential for someone else to learn from it, in the same way I learn from reading others’ stories.
Searching for answers
So as with many of the other major chapters in my life (eating disorders, the car accident, explant surgery, etc.), I am returning to my blog to share some pieces of my current journey. I’ve missed writing so much, but just haven’t had the energy for it lately. Chronic mystery illness will do that to ya.
It’s been about 5 months now that I have been struggling with a whole bunch of frustrating symptoms without many answers as to why it’s happening or when it might clear up. What started as just feeling a bit “off” for a month or two (and thinking maybe I’ve just been drinking too much coffee lately or not eating enough vegetables) led to an explosion of symptoms like eczema, migraines, brain fog, digestive issues, fatigue, allergic reactions, muscle pain, and changes in my hormones that I couldn’t find an easy explanation for. By definition, a chronic illness is a condition lasting 3 months or more, that may not have a cure.
I am choosing not to latch on to the last part of that definition, because I believe in the body (and mind)’s ability to heal itself. So far my doctors (I have been working with a team of people that include MDs, integrative medicine, Chinese medicine, and even energy healing because I am all about taking a holistic approach to our health), have been able to identify the following:
I have an MTHFR gene mutation (much more on this to come soon on the blog & podcast, but essentially it just means that my body struggles to methylate, or detox, toxins from the bloodstream and they can build up and cause symptoms. Lots of people are actually born with this genetic variation and it doesn’t necessarily always express itself).
My liver isn’t functioning how it’s supposed to. Which if you know me, is comical, because I don’t drink/smoke/do drugs/eat fried foods, so that has been an interesting one to navigate.
My immune system has basically been on high alert and treating everything like an invader, thus the allergic reactions and high histamine levels.
While these answers have provided a bit of relief, not much has happened in the way of healing yet. I am trying a variety of different treatments and healing protocols that are geared towards supporting these conditions, and I will share more specifics once I have some clarity about what’s working and what’s not. I tend to lean pretty strongly towards TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine), because it has worked so well for me in the past for many different types of symptoms and conditions. But this time around I am also willing to try just about anything, so I am definitely experimenting with some “out there” treatments and modalities. Again, more to come on this later.
For now I really just wanted to express my sympathy and solidarity for anyone who lives with chronic illness. This s**t is not easy. Honestly, the mental and emotional side of it often feels just as difficult as the actual physical symptoms. I have had so many days over the past few months where I broke down crying because of the weight of it all. Especially as someone who prides herself on living a healthy lifestyle and prioritizing self-care, I started to experience so much frustration that my body wasn’t cooperating, and shame that I couldn’t figure it out on my own.
I could tell you about all of the lessons I am learning from this experience, like patience, non-attachment, self-acceptance, and a deeper connection to spirituality - and someday soon I will. But today, this post is just to tell you that if you’re in pain, I see you. And sometimes we just have to sit in the discomfort of it all, and let it suck. Acknowledge that it’s painful, rather than trying to force on rose-colored glasses or find the silver lining. Admit that you are pissed off and feel the weight of the injustice of it all.
You’re not going to stay there, but you have to let yourself feel it all fully before you can move on from it. Mourn the version of you that you feel like you lost.
Because one day you will come out of this stronger and wiser than you went into it. That’s what I’m holding onto. I choose to have faith and believe in the notion that we go through everything for a reason, and we have the opportunity to let our circumstances help us become more of the person we truly want to be, rather than less.
Lots more to come soon, but for now I just wanted to say: Hi, I’m back, thank you for listening to my story.
xx,
Megan